I forgot your face again.
Forgot how your eyes light up when you see me, like you’re genuinely glad I came.
I forgot how all the other stuff that’s crammed inside my head, storming up my mind and driving me insane suddenly becomes silent…Just because you are there.
Im struck again by how little I know of your heart towards me and I’m blown away again by the comfort of you near.
I say comfort, but that’s not all that I feel. There’s this tug of war inside me, the likes of which I’ve never known.
I know that you won’t impose yourself and that you’re being gentle as you speak to me, letting me adjust my awkward self, instead of expecting me to be fine.
Part of me wants to run from you, to hide my face and run from you, to scream and cry and run from you. To run and run and run.
Your eyes are far too kind for me. They sing a song of compassion over me…that I know I don’t deserve.
And I know you know this.
I know you know me.
I know You’ve seen me.
Seen it all.
Jesus, You have seen it all.
And yet your eyes sing on.
Compassion is the melody.
Grace the bridge.
Love and forgiveness the lyrics that penetrate my heart.
How can I run?
Jesus, why would I run from you?
It’s not all bad. Not every day is hard.
I love the people in my life.
I’m surrounded by people who make me laugh, who see the funny side of most situations, who’d bend over backwards if they knew I really needed them.
Not everyone is more fixed than me, some have further to go even. But that’s alright.
It’s honest and it’s raw. Its real.
And I trust it more than most people’s facades.
I get to be part of something that is centred around hope and restoration.
I’m not stuck someplace where nothing is expected of me.
I’m challenged when I’m not giving enough or when I want to give up.
They know my excuses and hear the lie in my voice when I’m trying to throw them off.
They give the best advice they know how to give time and again to me.
They invite me to be honest continually…though I’m not always strong enough for that.
It’s not all bad. Not every day is hard.
I know that I’m safe. But I’m scared it won’t last. Because it can’t last.
And honestly…it shouldn’t last, not like this anyway.
Things need to move on and I need to move on.
Dare I say it, I need to go it alone.
Or at least, learn to be more alone than I am right now.
I need to know and trust myself again…become Self reliant.
I don’t know how, I don’t know how anymore. But I’ll figure it.
I need to.
I used to be so brave when I had rougher edges and higher expectations of myself, even as a kid…
I didn’t need anyone. Of course I did, but I didn’t know that.
It hurt at times but it served its purpose too. It made me enough.
Thats maybe just part of the price I had to pay I guess to start “getting better”, whatever that even means.
I don’t want to be scared again. Once you’ve felt safe its hard to go back to uncertainty. To fear. To chaos.
But let’s not forget, it’s not all bad. Not every day is hard.
There’s no way I could have hoped to be where I am…who I am even, a few years ago.
Who even says chaos is all there is for me? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t deserve to be as blessed as I am by the amazing people I have in my life.
I believe God is for me. Sometimes I lose sight of that and don’t know what that means…but I trust that He still has me.
I’m learning to get over hating myself because there’s no point in turning my own blood to poison and then wondering why I’m sick.
I get out of bed most days and can find plenty of reasons to laugh.
I don’t always know how to keep hope, but so long as I believe in it and keep on seeking it out,
It won’t all bad. Not every day will be hard.
There’s this urgency I feel inside that I just can’t shake. I’ve never felt it so strong as I do now.
Its the desire to show people the God that I’ve met, to share with them the very little I’ve seen and to know how even that, changes every little thing.
To find the hopeless and the undesirable, the disillusioned and the down and out…and lead them to the heart of the one who loves without exception.
I’m familiar with the ache, that overwhelming sting. that hollow pain that stalks the silence when all the noises and distractions start to fade into the background.
I spent years running hard and fast (even in the good times) not always sure what it was I wanted to escape - but convinced that unless I ran, my world would fall apart, that I’d realise just how shit things can get.
When rejection and abuse and mistrust and disappointment confuse all that you see.
When life has lost its wonder, to make way for this world’s reality that paves the streets and breaks the spirit of the innocent.
When you have everything and everyone you ever wanted, but still its not nearly enough.
When the desires of the rich minority out weigh the desperation of the dying children majority…
Life can seem hell.
But there’s two very different sides to what it is that’s goin on.
So often, and especially for those who’ve not met God - all that’s evident is the suffering and the mess.
But I promise you, i PROMISE you…God is not a myth, He’s not a complacent, unfeeling spectator so wrapped up in His power that He never looks your way.
He isn’t uninterested or disconnected from what it is you feel, who it is you are…how it is you hurt.
He welcomes your questions, your doubts…because it gives him a chance to let you know He’s there, to meet you where you’re at. Where ever you are at!!
He is big enough to hear your anger, to tell Him all the ways you wish He would have stepped in…because then the God of all comfort can come along side you, and do just that - comfort.
I’m not the preaching kind. I cringe at most of the tv evangelists, I struggle with church a lot of the time, I’ve been stung by religion countless times and judged by christians…so hear my heart on this. I don’t use the word Love offhand.
When there’s nothing else left - give Him a chance.
You’ve nothing to lose if I’m wrong, but plenty to gain if I’m right.
I’m passionate about God because I’ve met Him. Because He’s rebuilt for me a life that was nothing more than rubble. He loved me back to life.
He’s been there when I was at my lowest…when I was the bad guy and deserved nothing but contempt. When numbness drove me demented and made me want out for good, He was there.
He put in my path people to reach me and help me heal. who refused to give up or to count me as a lost cause…no matter how hard I pushed them away or rebelled.
He did what it took to reach me, and He’ll do the same for you.
I’ve seen Him turn countless lives around, save people from addiction, abuse, depression, eating disorders. From shame, self hate. From cults.
I’ve seen Him do miracles, turn the hopeless situation into a prayer answered - time and time again!
I know people who’ve survived some of the most horrific trauma you could imagine…who’ve done more than just survive.
Survival isn’t enough. Not even nearly.
Its time to live again, Maybe even for the first time. Don’t do what I did, and wait for years before reaching out for help.
Its time to be free from all the pain and the dull ache you’re swamped with every single day.
And if you’ve not been able to do that on your own, trust Him…
You’re worth more that this xx