You can't hold whats not in your hand...

There’s this urgency I feel inside that I just can’t shake. I’ve never felt it so strong as I do now.
Its the desire to show people the God that I’ve met, to share with them the very little I’ve seen and to know how even that, changes every little thing.
To find the hopeless and the undesirable, the disillusioned and the down and out…and lead them to the heart of the one who loves without exception.

I’m familiar with the ache, that overwhelming sting. that hollow pain that stalks the silence when all the noises and distractions start to fade into the background.
I spent years running hard and fast (even in the good times) not always sure what it was I wanted to escape - but convinced that unless I ran, my world would fall apart, that I’d realise just how shit things can get.

When rejection and abuse and mistrust and disappointment confuse all that you see.
When life has lost its wonder, to make way for this world’s reality that paves the streets and breaks the spirit of the innocent.
When you have everything and everyone you ever wanted, but still its not nearly enough.
When the desires of the rich minority out weigh the desperation of the dying children majority…
Life can seem hell.

But there’s two very different sides to what it is that’s goin on.
So often, and especially for those who’ve not met God - all that’s evident is the suffering and the mess.
But I promise you, i PROMISE you…God is not a myth, He’s not a complacent, unfeeling spectator so wrapped up in His power that He never looks your way.
He isn’t uninterested or disconnected from what it is you feel, who it is you are…how it is you hurt.

He welcomes your questions, your doubts…because it gives him a chance to let you know He’s there, to meet you where you’re at. Where ever you are at!!
He is big enough to hear your anger, to tell Him all the ways you wish He would have stepped in…because then the God of all comfort can come along side you, and do just that - comfort.

I’m not the preaching kind. I cringe at most of the tv evangelists, I struggle with church a lot of the time, I’ve been stung by religion countless times and judged by christians…so hear my heart on this. I don’t use the word Love offhand.

When there’s nothing else left - give Him a chance.
You’ve nothing to lose if I’m wrong, but plenty to gain if I’m right.
I’m passionate about God because I’ve met Him. Because He’s rebuilt for me a life that was nothing more than rubble. He loved me back to life.
He’s been there when I was at my lowest…when I was the bad guy and deserved nothing but contempt. When numbness drove me demented and made me want out for good, He was there.
He put in my path people to reach me and help me heal. who refused to give up or to count me as a lost cause…no matter how hard I pushed them away or rebelled.
He did what it took to reach me, and He’ll do the same for you.

I’ve seen Him turn countless lives around, save people from addiction, abuse, depression, eating disorders. From shame, self hate. From cults.
I’ve seen Him do miracles, turn the hopeless situation into a prayer answered - time and time again!
I know people who’ve survived some of the most horrific trauma you could imagine…who’ve done more than just survive.

Survival isn’t enough. Not even nearly.

Its time to live again, Maybe even for the first time. Don’t do what I did, and wait for years before reaching out for help.
Its time to be free from all the pain and the dull ache you’re swamped with every single day.
And if you’ve not been able to do that on your own, trust Him…

You’re worth more that this xx

Someone sent me a txt today that said “I love you”. Its not someone I hear that from a lot but when she says it - she means it.
Out of the blue - inwardly it was like a wave of resentment or this urge to push it away came over me. That feeling you get when you hear bad news you don’t want to listen to or when you have to deal with something too big for you. What thee heck??!
I need to allow this to be my wake up call.

The last few weeks I’ve been seeing little things creep back in that I really thought I’d dealt with (what ever that even means). On their own, they could be passed off as little quirks that need to be ironed out - not much more serious than that. But when you start to line them up, side by side…slot them all together and see the picture begins to take shape…its not one I like.

It seems somethings, you need to keep putting down over and over again. Because often - without even realising it, we’re still carrying things with us we always have.
We have ourselves convinced that that huge piece of baggage was left in the past when really, those huge bits of luggage can become smaller rucksacks.
Over time, we learn how to push through, to make do with and often just bloody ignore our wee rucksacks.
They can seem much less obvious a burden - so evenly spread between our shoulders, that we often forget they’re there at all.

But they are there and the thing with rucksacks is you only become aware of them when you’re in a tight space, struggling to make it through gracefully. When pressure is applied, when people are looking to you and when the next move is yours.
In those moments that’s often when its most important we be traveling light…when the squeeze is on and the things around us are less than perfect but the responsibility is as heavy as ever it was.
Its in those moments we glimpse who we are, not just who we think we are…and right now - its not a pretty sight.

I’m not always the best at reading what’s going on inside or giving feelings a chance to rise up so they can be dealt with…self harm and my eating habits became a much easier, simpler way of coping for a long time because it was instant and required very little from me. Dysfunction breeds dysfunctional behavior after all.
But I’m not who I was and I won’t go back there. life is far too precious…

So right now, as much as I’d rather eat my own arm off…its time to take off my rucksack and start being more aware of what I’m carrying and where I’m headed.
Its okay for people to say they love me…and if I’m in the place where I can’t say the same thing - then its time I relocated myself.

I will be happy and I will be free.
I won’t stay broken and I won’t allow numbness to start spreading like the cancer to the soul that it is.
My freedom has been bought and paid for. It came at a price, a high price at that…so I won’t just let it slip through my fingers again.

No way - no how.